Kidnap my heart.

Wednesday, December 31, 20083:09 PM

I'm back from Malaysia! Holiday just past so fast. Sob sob.

Anyway I had lots of fun these few days. Start with 24th Dec it was half day at work so I went home to sleep and pack my bag for the Malaysia trip.
Supposed to go Arena but stupid Zq wore bermudas and Jian wore slippers due to his injured leg so we give it a try and reach the door step but they stop us and doesn't allow them to go in. End up we went to Boat Quay to countdown instead. Well, I had fun and the drinks over there are cheaper. So whatever, i'm satisfied.

Some pictures on 24th Dec:

Jason giving the stupid face

Jian was already half gone. His face was damn red lah.

The stupid face again.

ZQ was so extra when the girls were taking photo.

Oh! We are too high!

Me and Jian left early cos we still need to wake up super early on the next day for our trip to KL. So we cab home and Jian stay over at my house that night so that it will be easier and convenient for him. We woke up at 6.30am in the morning.

It was so jam lah but we manage to reach Larkin early at 9am so we still got 1 hour for our breakfast and toilet break.

On the way there, the driver stop at some places to drop 2 passenger and Jian went down to go to the toilet. The driver didn't know and he drove off. Scare me and I quickly walk to the front and told him but he was speaking to me in a monkey language. Well, he doesn't understand English and I don't understand Malay. So I quickly ask a chinese malaysian to translate for me and he stop the bus. Scare me. Phew!

Reach there at 3pm and Xiao Yi came to fetch us. Went to her house to slack and rest till I fell asleep and they woke me up at 8pm to get ready.

We went to have our dinner at Kim Gary and to Bar celona to club after that.

Bar Celona:

Suddenly a girl carrying a basket walking around the club to give away CONDOM! She gave Sin yi 1 condom but I don't know why they gave Jian so many. 4 CONDOMS! Haha. And we were joking about it.

I simply love clubbing in KL more than Singapore. They are more open over there and girls over there even dance with only their Bra on. Super hot lah. And they got lots of events and games. Super funny. The toilet there are mix. No Gents and ladies. At first I thought I went in to the wrong toilet seeing all the guys. me and Sin yi step out of the toilet then we saw girls walking in so we know we are not wrong so we walk in again and saw that it is mix with guys and girls. Open right?

And it was ladies night so we got free entry plus free flow of Barcardi Lemon. So we didn't spent any money that night cause it is FREE FOR LADIES! So cool! And there were a waiter over there keep on walking to our table and how us magic. So cute lah.

Went to Times Square to shop the next day and the things over there are super cheap lah! Most of the shop having offer and is all RM25 for tops, shorts and dress! I shop from 1 plus to 5 plus without resting and finally we went to meet Jian's sister for dinner. I still felt that I didn't shop enough though I already spent RM500.

Went to Sungei Wang after dinner for another shopping round but I was too tired by then so I only got myself 1 top.

Jian's Sister is super nice. Help me in everything no matter what Jian say about me. Haha. So cute lah.

Watch movie at 11.50pm. Bedtime stories. It was a funny movie. Nice!

Jian's sister bf send us back and she even took a picture of us before we went home.

Went home after the movie and it was already 2 plus.

Didn't sleep though cos I don't feel like sleeping. Watch DVD at home till 4am and I decided to sleep but it was too noisy outside. Can u imagine people quarrelling and fighting at 5am? OMG. They must be crazy.

and I finally slept at 6am and I heard arguements again. Fuck them. So inconsiderate.

Xiao Yi came knovking at our door at 11.30am to wake us up cos we are going to Muar. So I woke Jian up but it was so difficult to wake him up. So I went to open the door and told Xiao Yi I wake up already. Haha. At least 1 person is up. Better than nothing right. Lol.

Went back to muar and had our dinner. OMG. I miss grandma's home cook food.

After dinner, Jian ride the bike and we went out. Went back home and Sin yi suggested going to Tanjong and off we go again.

We went Kite Flying at Tanjong. It was my first time flying kite so Jian keep on teaching me how to but I failed to fly the kite. We had lots of fun and went home at 11 plus.

Being woke up by mummy the next day cos we are going to A famosa. So I woke Jian up again cos he is the driver for the day. And we set off at 10am. Only those who wants to go waterworld went early. So Jian became our Ahmad cos the adults doesn't want to go. Only me, da jie, er jie, zq, Sin yi, Sin Zi and Alex went. On the way there, there was a big truck and a car in front of us. The car didn't dare to overtake the Big truck and Jian was getting impatient driving behind the slow truck so he wanted to overtake them but it was only a one way road. When there was no car at the lane oppsite he speed up and suddenly Er Jie scream. Gave me a shock cos I thought some accident are going to happen but it was a dead dog lying on the road and we thought it was still alive so Jian tried to slow down but it was too late and he said if he were to break immediately or change lane we will all die. So he drove through the dog and both my sis cried. Zq said I am not born by the same parents as them cos I didn't cry. Lol. Well, I feel sad for the dog but I don't see a point crying.

And finally we reach Afamosa!

While waiting for sis to get the ticket for water world, we went to feed the elephant.

Cowboy town at night.

The performance was amazing. It is so much more nicer then the show I have watch in Singapore Zoo Animal show.

The elephant can walk with only their 2 legs behind.

the horse can perform, even the orang utan can roller blade. So exciting.

And they end the performance with firework. Super nice lor. I wish to go again.

We played games at night after the performance at cowboy town.

We went back to our Villa to play, sadly my group didn't won but we got 2nd so we still got prize! Haha. Lucky not 3rd cos 3rd got nothing at all.

And time for gift exchange after the game. I got a mug while Jian got a pillow. Lol!

I think my younger aunt-in-law is in love with Jian cos she told me Jian is very polite and friendly. Twice! Lol. Well, I was kidding about the in love part but true that she said positive thing about Jian. :) Finally Jian gets to see everyone from my mother side. :)

As for the father side, Haha. Don't even bother to see them cos even I don't get to see them every year.

Went back to muar the next day and we had our dinner at Classic Hotel.

Only the ladies took the pictures. The last night of our holiday. Time flies.

The next day mummy and sis went to do their hair we were bored. Jian, Sin Yi, ZQ and I went to Tanjung again. But this time, we went to feed the monkey.

Went off at 5pm and Da Jiu send us to Johor. Mummy's friend pick us up from there and we went to City Square to have our dinner.

Went back to Singapore after that.

Woke up super early today cos Jian came to fetch me. Went to work and reach office at 9am. Early right. Reach office in a don't feel like working mood and when Ken reach I was in a super happy mood. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Guess what? I'm getting my bonus!!!!!

Well, is not a lot, but more than enough for me to shop with the bonus. 1 month pay. Consider ok already right? I am so happy. :) Somemore new year is coming, got lots of Ang Bao. Guess this month I won't be short of money. Hahaha. I wanna go drinking!!!!!

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Wednesday, December 24, 200812:55 PM

Merry christmas everyone!!!

Ho Ho Ho. I am so happy today!!!!

Firstly, it is half day. Going home in a few minutes time. :)

Arena tonight! I've called to make reservation. Total of 10 people going. Sadly the gigglets are not joining.

Holiday trip tomorrow!
KL here I come! Hahaha.

I won't be back till 30 Dec. So friends, see ya on New year's eve. Coming back for another party on new year eve. :)

Anyway, yesterday I was surprised to see my Big Aunt and cousins from my father side coming to my house. Me and Jian wanted to go home so that I can cook dinner for him. Then I saw a lot of people in my house I was so shock. Then they said my bf is very big size. Lol.

Alright, gtg. I'm happy to say, I HAVE FINISH WORK! HOLIDAY HERE I COMES!!!!!

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Tuesday, December 23, 20085:49 PM

Oh, someone piss me off today! I'm writing down here so that I can vent my anger out. Jerks are everywhere nowadays. Oh, someone said he can't be bother about me, since he can't be bother he shouldn't even say things to provoke me so that I will be angry right? Lol. That's why I never said I can't be bother cos I feels happy arguing everytime. :)

Do u know that I was suppose to leave at 5 but I stay till 6 to talk to u cos I finish with my stuff and it is so rare that u are free to chat with me like? Bastard. Guys will never understand.

I was thinking of meeting u yesterday but before I asked u told me u are going to visit someone from the group of imbecile who I really detest. Fuck u all! I hate all of u to the core.

While, this is going to be the last time I am going to hear from u all again cos I don't want to be make myself angry. Mummy said that people who always get angry will get old easily and will get stroke easily. So I better just be the cheerful me again. :)
I don't want to spoil my pretty face.

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11:59 AM

Meet Jian yesterday after work for coffee. Sat at the coffee shop till 7 plus then I went off.
Called Er jie but she was already on her way home so I decided to go home myself. Just then I remember Bei Fen and I called her but she didn't answer.
End up she called me when I was at Outram Park and I alighted and took back to City Hall to meet her. Er Jie called me after that and she meet us at Woodlands for dinner.
Had pastamania for dinner. It has been so long that the 3 of us went out together.
Missing those times when we had lots of fun.
Went to arcade to play DDR after dinner. I didn't play DDR for like more than a year? Can't remember. Haha. So I was super lousy and I was already panting when I finish playing the first song. So I took turn with Bei Fen to play. Reminds me of the past. Our childish and rebellious times when we were young. But bei fen said it is nothing fun to remind her of. Haha.

Went down to the MRT station and Bei Fen saw one of her "god brother" who she don't want to see. That guy is super bhb. Somemore still can ask for money everytime he see her. Then er jie ask me want to go already or not cos that guy keep on asking money from bei fen. Seriously I hate this kind of people. Got money to buy cigarette and put tattoo all over still got the cheek to take money from others. Somemore it is so shameless for a guy to ask money from a girl. Can't stand this kind of UBs.

I can't wait for my holiday... ...

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Monday, December 22, 20081:38 PM

I had fun on friday. Finally I get to drink after one whole week of not drinking. Went to meet Jian after work and we sat at the coffeeshop till 7pm then I went to Bugis to meet Jeremy and XL. We had pastamania for our dinner. I ordered Pomodoro and when the food came I was blur because I find that it look different. When I had a mouth of it, it was spicy so I told them since when pomodoro is spicy? I called the waitress there and they told me that is spicy chicken and the one that is on XL table it Pomodoro. Wtf? Luckily I did not eat the chicken part. So I exchange with XL. The more XL look at the food the more she don't feel like eating cos I added a lot of cheese inside which she don't eat. So I called the waiter again and he ask me what's wrong with that dish and he doesn't seems that he wants to change another plate so I told him cos the previous waited serve wrongly and he agree to change. XL said I was fierce and I told her it is already very good that I didn't ask them to compensate me for having one mouth of spicy chicken cos u know I never eat meat in my life before.
Went to Vic after dinner and there was not many people. Felt abit bored cos it is a friday night and yet there's little people, don't have the atmosphere and don't have the mood to drink over there. By then, we had already drank more than half the bottle of the martell. Then I asked Jeremy and XL not to drink so much and I keep on psycho-ing them to Rebel cos Justin asked me to go. I was suppose to meet him 11 at clarke quay but we waited for our songs at vic till 11pm and we went down after we finish singing.
We got free entry cos Justin know the people over there. Rebel is actually part of the previous MOS. Initially only the 3 of us plus Justin and one of his friend. Then suddenly got this group of people came to me and XL and intro themselves and shake hands with us. Then his friend came one by one and intro themselves. Then they bring their babe here one by one to intro also. So funny la. Then I told XL I feel like some famous people that so many people came and shake hand with us. Then Justin thought is our friend then I told him I don't know them then he said don't know them still can talk until we know them like that. Then he asked me not to anyhow talk to people. Sian.
Kor came to find us with a girl. Then Justin friend's came. So it was quite fun. Cos got a lot of people and the music were mostly my favourite songs.
But end up also got many issue that spoilt the night. XL was dead drunk and she lock herself in the toilet. Me and 2 other girls keep on knocking at her door but she got no respond. End up I used the coin to open up and I found her sleeping inside with vomitted all over. Me and Justin's friend help her to clean up and we tried to pull her out but she doesn't want. We were stuck in the toilet for a few hours cos of her and the guys all came to find out what's going on and asked us to try to use all our energy to carry her but we failed. There were nice people giving us sweet to make her sober but it doesn't work. Then someone went to take lime and we force it inside her mouth but failed. So I took lots of ice and wipe her face but she still didn't wake up. Don't know for how long we manage to get her out of the toilet and Jeremy send her home. We all stay there for awhile and went off at 4am.
Reach home and I talk to Jian to solve the problem of our arguement. By the time I get everything done, it was 6am.

Woke up early to find Jian on Saturday and I was so damn tired. I receive his call at 9am and I went to get prepare and off to meet him. Finally we solve our problem and I guess I won't have problem going home late again but as agreed only once in a week.
Went home at around 6 plus cos Jian had to go for his company gathering and I need to go home and pray. Received call from Kim at night to St James. I was super excited lah but I couldn't go. Was quite disappointed cos I didn't join the giggles to club. The moment Kim asked me I really feel like taking a rocket down to meet them. I badly want to go but I can't and Kim was such a bitch and said I act holy.
Well, gigglets can we organize it on somedays when I am free?
So I had a boring saturday night staying at home waiting for the clock strikes 11pm to pray cos it was a festival called "dong zhi" which the chinese celebrates and drink tang yuan.

Went to JB with Jian on Sunday. Mummy and Da Jie wanted to go JB too but I went out first cos Jian had already reach. I waited for the bus for fucking 30mins and I was pek chek so I decided to walk there. And the moment I started to walk, the bus came. Was so piss lor and mummy and sis went out later than me and they manage to take the bus and they reach the custom exactly the same time as me. They keep on laughing at me for sweating so much. :(
New Malaysia custom is so big that we have to walk for a long distance to reach city square. I find it a bit bo liao though. And many people were complaining as well. I miss the old custom.
Mummy and sis wanted to go Jusco so we went our seperate ways.
Bought the bus ticket to KL. Finally. Then Jian went to cut his hair and the lady keep on psycho me to do treatment. So end up I do treatment for my hair since Jian is paying for me. Haha.

Had our lunch and bought the movie ticket. We bought 2 movies. Bolt and Yes man. Jian was so rubbish. He said since the movie ticket there was cheap. So must watch as many movies as we can. So we bought Bolt at 6pm and Yes man at 8pm. Bolt is a must watch movie. Very nice and funny. Yes man is only a so so movie and I fell asleep during some part of the movie.
Went home at 12 and I was so tired by then.

I enjoyed my weekend.

Waiting for 24 Dec... ...

Now I understand why he used to go clubbing every night cos I don't really understand initially.

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Friday, December 19, 20083:40 PM

I used to look forward to reach my office because when I msn, I could chat with u like nobody business, not afraid of whether I remember to delete the messages, ur number from the call register and I can talk whatever I want with u.
2nd thing I look forward to is to log in to the pet society receiving those gift and letters from u. It is always sweet and brighten up my day. The feeling is always nice to receive some messages that can make me smile and melts my heart in the morning and the mood will be good for the rest of the day.
3rd thing that I look forward to are those msn nick that u put. It will always be nice.

From pet society, to msn, to msn nick, things started to stop one by one. I no longer received any gift or messages anymore. Everyday when I log in, there's only one letter that I have won in a lottery. Sometimes when there is gift the first person that came to my mind is u. The excitement of opening up the gift only came to a disappoinment when I click on it.
Weeks have gone and the excitement I had logging in to facebook is gone. Totally gone. Even when there's a gift, I no longer think that is u cos I know it won't be u anymore.
But there's still msn to chat right? I thought. Days passed and the topic we talk about are getting lesser and lesser. It is always 1 or 2 words reply from u. That was when I realised we got nothing more to talk about. It will always be how's ur day? Remember ur lunch/dinner and bye.
No more phone calls or sms.
No more nice or sweet msn nick.

I realised, there's nothing for me to look forward to anymore. And days passed and weeks passed, I gave all my time to Jian. I only got him whoI can act childish and kiddy and whine to. Only him to pamper me.

The problem lies in the both of us. Time is not on our side. U are not totally to blame. Is it fate?
People says, when it is urs it will be urs. I find it true. So no point struggling.

I can't breathe anymore.

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10:38 AM

OMG. It's friday again. I am so excited about my holiday on 25 Dec. Counting down.....

Did nothing much yesterday. Super shiok cause there are no lesson for this week. I went off early from office yesterday at 4pm then I went to Bukit Merah to register for exam. Reach Redhill Mrt station and I don't know how to go. So I called Roslin and asked her. I wanted to take bus but Roslin asked me to walk and she said is quite near. End up I walk until 4 bus stop away I still couldn't find. I decided to take a cab instead. The driver didn't send me there directly and drop me off somewhere near and ask me to find myself. WTF? So I walk round and round and round and it was going to be 6pm and the school close at 6pm. So I called Roslin again and she lead me the way. Luckily I was there on time and manage to register for the exam. Phew! Lucky me. Ye Feng called me and chat with me all the way when I was looking for the way. Then he said should have call him earlier then he come and fetch me. So fake. But it has been quite sometimes since I chatted with him. Quite interesting talking to him. Still remember I used to "like" him in primary school days when I was only 12. Lol. And he somehow "jio" me before but I reject cos he was a playboy that time and I regret after a dfew days later. Those childish times were so funny la. Anyway, he really got the charm or talent to woo girls. Cos many years ago, me and my 2 sister ever fall for him before. Only in different timing. It started with my 2nd sis then me then my elder sis. Those were the days. I miss it so much when the 3 of us were still very close. Yes, I mean very very close. Compare to now, we are still close, but we got our own things and bf to accompany that we seldom got time for each other. Even when i'm still staying with my 2nd sis, I only get to talk to her maybe twice or thrice in a week? We seldom "see" each other even though we stay together. Lol.

So yesterday morning, I was late for work, I remember Bei fen i working at 10am so I called her and we went to work together. Had a nice chat with her. TImes with her always past so fast. So I went to Bugis with her for lunch too. It was so rushing and I ran to the MRT station. Afterall I get to talk to her and lunch with her. I miss her so much. I miss the times when me, my 2nd sis and her were so close that we meet up regularly and went out to have our fun. Well, but both of them have changed. They become like "huang lian po". Always go home after work.

Went home yesterday after register for exam to rest and I went out to admiralty to meet those group again. Not many people went yesterday and we talk mostly about Amway. But yesterday one of the master went which he seldom came out and he told me how he success. He really talk like a boss and his pattern look like some big boss when he is only wearing a t-shirt and shorts but I still can feel that he is someone successful. I wish to be like him someday. Getting more and more interested in Amway. Cos all the people there are from Amway and they are so successful. Not very successful, but at least they don't lack of anything. They can afford normal living, afford a car, a house and no worries about the living which I really like. One of the man who has a full time job and he choose to be a part timer in Amway and he earn 6k per month just being a part timer. But most of the people in Amway don't work and they can still afford cars and houses. Is Amway really so good? The master ask me not to chiong so fast. Do some reseach before I really want to go Amway cos he also used to not believe in Amway till he do tonnes of research and he decided to give it a try and he is a master now! Cos he said many people wanted to chiong so fast thinking about the money and didn't do any research and they become not successful. Only yesterday that I realised going in to Amway is not easy also. Not anybody can join. So is unlike those salesman or salesgirl outside who always wants u to join to become part of them so that u can help them to promote their product which I always reject to join the member. But I am really interested in Amway and I am getting closer and closer to Amway. It feels like a family there every thursday but I still feel a bit left out when sometimes they talk about Amway when I am still not part of it. There's a girl who is only 21 already drives a car which she own herself. Is all because of Amway. So envious la. At the age of 21 can become so successful. But all this takes a lot of effort too. Some people who are in Amway for many years is also not very successful. It depends on how hardworking u are. I was thinking, if i'm really in Amway, will I be successful like them too? I'm quite a lazy person. :)
Anyway, I just enjoyed being with them whether they are talking about Amway or other things, they are fun people.

Friday night=drinking night? Haha. I didn't drink for a week plus. Looking forward to today. :)

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Tuesday, December 16, 20084:31 PM

I'm back!

Finally Jian is discharge from the hospital on Sunday. Woke up at 9 plus when I received a call from Jian. I was so happy and cab down immediately.

He got 15 days of mc. So nice! I also want.

Friends, I will be so free cos he can't join me when I go out. :)

The days at the hospital is so tired. Whoever calls me I am always at the hospital. Then Kor kor ask me to camp there instead. Lol. Afterall, I enjoyed being there making new friends from the ward jian stay.
I'm having swollen eyes. I guess it is probably because of the incident that I accidentally saw 2 guys peeing. YES! They never lock the door. Wth. And when I open they just shout. I was so pai sei lah and somemore one of the guy got his wife standing and waiting outside for him and his wife didn't even bother to tell me his husband was inside and laugh at me instead.
Some of the nurse over there was friendly and funny too.

I'm going to Malaysia on 25 Dec till 30 Dec.
25 Dec - KL
26 Dec - KL
27 Dec - Muar
28 Dec - Afamosa
29 Dec - Muar
30 Dec - Singapore

Nice plan right?

Wanted to buy the Grassland coach but it was sold out. Check five star and it was sold out too. Haiz. Someone recommend me some nice coach can?

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Friday, December 12, 20081:42 PM

I'm so busy to update nowadays. Jian was admitted to hospital. I sent him on a Tuesday night, in fact I should say on a wednesday morning cos I sent him during the A.M. So he was admitted on Wednesday and I was so busy preparing for the admission and everything. Been busy recently going home late at night from the hospital and waking up at 6am in the morning to visit him and then to work and back to hospital again till night.

So friends, I won't be updating my blog for these few days.

p.s: friends who wanna ask me out for drinking on friday or saturday feel free to do so, I will be free after 10.30pm. Hehe.

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Friday, December 5, 20081:22 PM

I'm still feeling sick. Drag myself to work today. Wanted to take mc. But Jian is on mc today, so I decided to go work so that at least I can see him for lunch and take care of him.

So tired and bored. Totally didn't do any work today. Table is in a mess. I don't have the mood to do.

Someone said I've change this morning. But I don't know exactly where I had change. I'm not trying to defend for myself, but that person didn't tell me what have I change. Who won't defend for themselves? I will cos I love myself so I will defend for myself and fight for it. But after that, I will do a self reflection and spot where my mistake is.
Some selfish people don't do reflection. All they want is the best for themselves. So no matter what people try to say them the won't listen to the advise.
What's so good about provoking each other? Does it feel better after that? The more u provoke, the more angry u get, then u will get older faster. But no matter how old I look I know I will still be pretty. :Þ But it is not meant for people with no looks. Cos they will get uglier and uglier. End up nobody wants.
People who always try to provoke me or offend me always get their retribution after that. Even though it is not immediately, they still will get it when I cannot stand their rubbish. Alene will know. :) cos she see what happen to those UBs when they offend me. Alene even said I was a bully. I will never lose. I always win. I am always the winner. Be it to settle something ah-lianish or law by law, I got back-up to help. I got the most powerful god mum to help me when it happens to the society to settle the law, I got my character, looks and friends to settle relationship matter, and I got UBs friend to back up for me.
I don't care whether who u are, stubborn or bad character. Just don't step on my tail. If u ever did something to me and I never do anything bad back to u is bcos the matter is too small that I don't even bother to waste my time on u.
Guys are bastard, girls are cheap. The world is like this. So no point arguing with ur oppsite sex that girls/guys are blah blah blah and shoot out all the bad things from the mouth.
What makes girls so cheap? Girls are cheap cos of guys. They want to satisfied their man. So the conclusion is, Guys are bastard cos they are the main cause of it.

Anyway, I don't know what I am blogging about in this post. Just to vent some anger out. So friends, pardon me for those rubbish.

I just can't stand it that if someone claim that he/she loves u but defending other guy/girl, how will u feel? Is it love? What is love? Till now I still don't know the defination of love. That's why I got the habit of changing bf frequently. Of all the girlfriend I know, they are still sticking to the same old bf except for me. Even Alene is back with the old one. Was so happy initially when she change bf.

Finally my relatives are coming tomorrow. I hope I will have fun.

Oh, I just found out that Mr Bala is also a vegetarian. Shall ask him for a meal one day. :) But I don't eat indian vegetarian. I'm not racist, just don't get used to the taste.

I got a very sad story to share today.

A very Sad story..........Took me sometime to finish reading this LONG story.... Apparently it is a true story shared by a friend. Worth reading it... Very very touching

Part 1...

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which had a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: 'Let's go fetch mother.' Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: 'I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!' I smiled and said: 'Mum! , with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better.' Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: 'Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it.'

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: 'You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it.' There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and 'Bam' she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: 'What did I do wrong?' Hubby stared at me and said: 'Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?' After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the 'all important' task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: 'LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?' He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: 'LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?' I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out.Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.

For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: 'LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor.'The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't! hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: 'Darling, I am having your baby!' and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: 'Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital.' I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...

In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Part 2 and end...

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I ad rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart..

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death, so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: 'You wait a while, I will sign.' He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself 'You cannot cry, you cannot cry....' my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there..After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull a paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. 'LD, you are pregnant?' Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: 'Yes, but it's ok, you can leave now.' He did not go, in the dark, we sat facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated 'sorry' to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished frommy heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I keptquiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: 'Prepare for his funeral.'

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: 'Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance.. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand! words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your li loves me most...'

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.Hubby has also written a letter for me: 'My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging...'

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: 'Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms...'

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

The End...

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Wednesday, December 3, 20084:18 PM

I'm feeling so horrible now. Having sorethroat and flu. Super tired today. I swear I won't go drinking during the weekdays again.

So reluctant to wake up today but I force myself to. Ronnie gave me permission to reach office slightly later today. :) Cos it was Raymond's birthday and we went to celebrate at Vic.
I skip lesson and went to SengKang to buy birthday cake. Then Kor came to fetch me. While waiting for Kor outside, it reminds me of the day when I was late for work and went to SengKang too and Edric came all the way from office to fetch me to work.

Anyway, we went to meet customer and headed to Vic after that. Was so hungry so I went to eat prata. I enjoyed myself. Raymond was so high and it was so funny lah. Keep on laughing at him. Then his wife fetch him home cos he can't drive.

I was the camera girl yesterday. Keep on taking videos and pictures. They left at 12 plus and me and kor stay there for awhile more cos kor was also quite drunk and he said he cannot drive.
So I went to dedicate songs to sing with Raymond. Played games with him and he keep on losing. He was so damn unlucky yesterday lah. Haha.

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Tuesday, December 2, 200810:59 AM

Thought he would come and fetch me this morning but I received a call at 7.10. He overslept. Haix.

Don't know I feel so down today especially when he called and said he had already went to work. So I didn't get to see him.

Anyway, I went to Edric's new work place yesterday. Went over to find him and we went to NTU to fetch Da Jie. Went for dinner and I treat them. :) Celebrate his first day of work also. All e best for him. finally to see him working again.

Slept quite early yesterday. Was quite tired and I slept at 10 plus.

Mood just don't feel good today. There's lesson. So bored. And maybe will be going to drink again after lesson cos it's Raymond birthday. Going to be so broke this month. It is only the 2nd day of the month and I had already spent $400 away.

A boring day. Haiz.

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Monday, December 1, 20083:47 PM

Today is the start of last month of the year. Time flies. Going to be end of 2008 soon.

I enjoyed my weekend last week.

Meet Jian after work on Friday. I waited till I was so hungry. Went to find him when he came back and we waited for Kor kor to come and fetch us. Kor kor was so slow lah. Wait till 9 plus he came. Then we went to Tampines to find Raymond. Slack there and crap then went down to vic cos Raymond wanted to pass the T-shirt to Leslie. Went to Geylang for dinner after that. Hungry till I got no appetite cos waited for too long for dinner. It was already 10 plus when we were going for dinner. So I only had Tao hwa for dinner. So pathetic. Went to beach rd for drinking and singing after dinner. First time there. Kor's friend brought us there. The only reason I like that place is bcos we are allow to smoke inside so we can save the trouble of going out to smoke. Didn't have this feeling for so long. :) The drink was so ex. 1 bottle of martell cost us $286. I enjoyed cos I get to sing and hog on the mic since I was there and no one will snatch the mic with me. I sang all the way till 3am and went off.
For the first time me and kor vomitted together outside. Haha. Cos he is such a good drinker that I have never see him vomitting before. Friday was the first time cos he didn't drink for quite a long time and he became so such a lousy drinker. Haha. So jian became the driver instead. But cos of all the road block, kor rested for awhile and they switch again. It only took 10 mins for me to reach home from beach rd to home. :) Loves Kor kor's driving cos I don't need to take too long to go from one destination to another.
Was so tired but I still can hog on the phone with Jian and kor kor and ask kor kor to drive carefully. And I was gone after I hang up the phone.

I was woken up at 8am by my sis. Super piss and I was still so blur and giddy. So I sleep back and was woken up at 11am by my dad. They were so noisy lah. Can't stand it. So I watch Dvd all the way till 7 plus and Edric came to fetch me.
Went to Marina Square for dinner at Pizza Hut. Then meet Gui Qing after dinner cos she was also at Marina Square. Walk walk for awhile and we went to Vic for drinking again.
Called er jie and she came with zq and her colleagues. Had lots of fun. Surprisingly I didn't vomit on Saturday. Haha. Shows that I haven't drink enough. Took some pics. Will upload when i'm free.
Went off at 2 plus or 3? I can't remember. Was so tired.

Woke up at 12 on Sunday. Cos mummy wanted to go sing. Was so lazy and tired to go out in the noon and I told Da Jie i'm going to melt anytime. Haha. So I suggested we take a cab instead but nobody wants. End up I said I pay for it then everyone agree. So fuck up right? My family are always like that.
Meet Jian and Clementi and we went to Sing. Nearly fell asleep halfway. Was too tired. Think cos of insufficient sleep. :p I pay for the bill. Cost me 100 plus. And nobody pay me back and they take it as a treat from me. Haiz. My family always like to cheat my money.
Went to Jian's place after singing. Was so tired that I fell asleep after dinner.
Went off at 10 plus cos I was too tired and home sweet home.

Enjoyed my weekends. :)
I hope I will enjoy this weekend too cos grandma and grandpa is coming to Sg.

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